Hiljainen retriitti 2014 - kokemuksia


For me this camp was really great. It was mainly about four themes: Regeneration, love, expansion and about strong aspiration to drop the ego. To just drop it. With this aspiration I had fastest experiences for getting deeper in the atman meditation. I got into them in fast manner, under half an hour and I felt this bliss, joy, love and bright white light everywhere. I felt I was in the verge of samadhi, but for some reason also something was not ready in my structure. I don’t know if it was lack of vitality or something else. For example yesterday after meditation I felt a kind of burning like I was overheated, too much fire and I didn’t get to sleep very well. But getting rid of the ego was the main thing, I wanted to let go of it, now! It also kicks back. But the perseverance to really focus on the meditation brought results.

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What I found different this time was that the approach to the Self came much more from ajna chakra. I wasn’t putting myself in the center of anahata, but more like detaching myself to see myself from different perspective. And that opened the heart. In many ways I felt that the approach came from ajna –mainly- but of course it was simultaneously the centering. It was also kind of an impulse to see what I really want (to drop the ego, etc..) and how to practically go forward and really sustain these experiences and states. To not only stay in this camp but how to gradually integrate them all the time. I see it like a certain attitude that you should always have in the practice.

What was different from the previous camps was the activation of ajna which was the main torch so to say.

I perceived certain attitudes in me and was able to detach from them to see: hey this attitude is not me! go away! From the level of ajna I could somehow drop it.  

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I really liked the camp. I think this time I kind of lost my meditation virginity. I liked the silent meditation so much! What was also interesting is that I have been very tired this fall but I wasn’t at all tired here. I woke today in the morning at 2 o’clock completely lucidly awake and I went to eat some pizza went to sleep and woke up again at 4 completely awake again and did some meditation and went to sleep again and 5:20 I woke up again completely energized.

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Dropping the ego. Again and again I had the experience that it cannot be somehow done. I cannot act. I just need to be. Sometimes it went really well and sometimes it was really difficult. For example today I very much tried to be in this detached state but this fear came, almost panic. Suddenly I started to feel that I need to run away or shout. These actions came very strongly. I didn’t have it like this before. Still the ego is very strong there.

Positive states were mainly this experience of very strong connection between anahata and sahasrara, jivatman and atman and it was not always the same but at least once it was really huge tube between them, the light flowing in between. I started to hear also a mantra connected to this from time to time but I couldn’t grasp it completely. This seemed to increase the effects of the meditation. This was also a new experience, I didn’t experience such a thing before. The sound was very clear when it came.

I also have this wish to keep some of these experiences in my daily life and not to get too involved in the normal things. To do them with the heart but not get too absorbed by them.

I felt it would be good to offer more time for the camp as it takes a bit of time to go deeper.

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A moment of being in the void when being in this camp. Not only this blissful void but for being in between where it was very clearly outlined that you can choose either going to the path of suffering or for the bliss. To meditate upon. It was not only in the camp, it has been a longer period before now. Making clear the choice between this void and it also came through this that all these subconscious things which have been coming up for some time, mainly the negative things, become more obvious. I have been reading from shivaism papers about Kali during the camp and there it is said that in a certain point these things come clear and then it is very easy to get rid of them. So I am waiting for that very easy thing!

Meditations were good. I was playing the game of picking up the thought back in the basket a lot but it was not bothering me, I felt relaxed so it was this relaxed effort and one reason why I didn’t want to move at all was that when these waves of bliss were coming I wanted to stay still to not to miss another wave. I was afraid that if I move, that would be moment when the wave of bliss comes. If I get my back straight I felt that this alone helps the sublimation in some situations.

The very best meditation was with Divine Grace. It was like picking up something that was already built before and then it was carrying on from there.

Also this Pho-wa connection with Paratman meditation. This burning aspiration to just go. It was like a prayer this meditation.